How Men Can Communicate Their Feelings Without Feeling Vulnerable
For most men it is uncomfortable to talk about their emotions and phrases such as "I'm hurt", "I'm worried" or "I need support" might appear as if they were revealing a aspect of oneself which one would prefer to keep private.
That doesn't mean one loses strength when expressing their feelings. In a healthy relationship, being emotionally honest can in fact be a practical ability which helps both people get a better understanding of each other.
Research has shown that the social expectations pertaining to masculinity may at times lead men to keep their vulnerable emotions hidden or place a strong emphasis on self-reliance. Yet the same research also indicates that men are capable of forming close, emotionally supportive relationships.
Begin with simple and specific emotions.
It is not necessary to go into detail all at once.
Instead of saying, “I’m fine,” when you are clearly struggling, try something simple:
I've had a stressful day and I'm feeling overwhelmed.
Specifying your message means that it can be understood more easily without the need for a lengthy emotional discussion.
2. Use “I” Statements
A simple method of expressing your feelings without appearing confrontational is to base your remarks on your own experiences.
For example:
Instead of:
"You never hear what I say."
"You never hear what I say."
Try:
I feel that I am being ignored when I am speaking and that my concerns are cut off.
I feel that I am being ignored when I am speaking and that my concerns are cut off.
The Gottman Institute suggests the use of “I” statements since they help to reduce blame and promote a more constructive conversation.
A useful structure is:
“I feel… about… and I need…”
For instance, I feel disconnected since we don't spend much time together and would like to have some time together this weekend.
3. It is important to understand that vulnerability should not be equated with weakness.
A great many men are given the idea that it is part of being strong to show emotional restraint. The American Psychological Association points out that certain traditional masculine norms can lead men to fail in expressing their vulnerable feelings directly.
But being open about your feelings does not mean you have to give up confidence or self-control.
It is entirely possible to be calm, responsible, and emotionally honest all at the same time.
4. Pick the Appropriate Time
Important discussions seldom turn out well when both individuals are angry or tired.
If emotions are intense, it's a good idea to take a short break and then come back to the topic when both individuals have calmed down. The Gottman Institute's advice on relationship communication stresses the importance of listening, taking turns, and discussing difficult issues in a less defensive manner.
You might say:
I would like to discuss this, but I believe that we shall understand one another better if we do so when we are both calmer.
5. Talk About Needs, Not Just Problems
Men will at times give an account of the matter as being wrong without at the same time stating what they really need.
Instead of saying, “Things have been terrible lately,” try:
I've been experiencing a sense of disconnection and would like us to spend more time together when we're both present.
It provides your partner with a specific thing to reply to.
6. Gradually develop your ability to communicate emotionally.
It is not necessary for you to get used to talking about all your emotions within a single night.
Begin with having short conversations; when you are stressed, disappointed, thankful or concerned, tell someone you trust. Eventually, recognising and expressing your emotions will become more natural.
A study published in Emotion showed that habitual emotional suppression was linked to worse interpersonal outcomes, while greater emotional expression was connected with higher levels of acceptance, relatedness, and relationship satisfaction.
7. Don't forget that communication is a two-way process.
Half of the process consists in expressing your feelings, just as much importance is placed on listening.
Don't immediately defend yourself or attempt to solve the problem; instead give your partner the time they need to reply. By actively listening and repeating back what you heard, you can lessen the chances of misunderstandings and build a greater sense of connection.
Final Thoughts
There is no need for men to decide between being strong and being emotionally honest. True communication does not mean disclosing everything to everybody; it means learning when and how to communicate what is important.
Begin on a small scale by naming the feeling, explaining what caused it, and stating what you need. As you keep doing this, emotional communication will become less daunting and can thus become a valuable element in building trust, intimacy, and stronger relationships.
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